LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot
was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since
it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a
summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be
followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the
latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are
water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact
that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of
trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe
and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to
muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked
up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer’s handicap, the
more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world
has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most
painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn’t, how do
you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice
at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group
will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you
accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler,
a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same
"sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or
into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of
awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be
translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can
usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to
lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round
will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least
twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course
shall be valid only until the sunset.