The Men’s Guide to Female English

We need = I want

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by
now

Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure… go ahead = I don’t want you to

I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!

You’re … so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a
lot

You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?

I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’ve got my
period

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and
wallpaper…..

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade
of white

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me = I’m going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me = I did something today you’re really
not going to like

I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a
good game on TV

Is my butt fat = Tell me I’m beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me! = [Too late, you’re
dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry

Do you like this recipe = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better
get used to it

Was that the baby = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him
until he goes to sleep.

I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is
important

All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying
that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe
department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink
sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your
checkbook?