Joke of the Week
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Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face?
Little Johny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face. "Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, mum?" "To make myself beautiful," said his mother. A few minutes later, she slowly began removing the cream with a tissue. "What’s the matter?" asked little Johny. "Giving up?"
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Five Englishmen in a train
Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under […]
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I bet you $50 that the man’s gonna jump!
A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on. The woman reporter shouted out "This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!". Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, […]
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Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight
A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives […]
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Three most important people in his life
An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctor’s only to find he didn’t have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate. 1.His Doctor 2.His Priest 3.His Lawyer "Well, today I found out I don’t have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, […]
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I forgot my teeth!
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his […]
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I would be home by midnight …promise!
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight …promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the […]
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The Reason Why I Fired My Secretary
Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn’t feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say „Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn’t even say „Good Morning," alone any „Happy Birthday." I thought, „Well, that’s wives for you. Maybe the children will remember." The […]
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Hilton doesn’t mind you sunbathing on the roof
A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She’d hardly begun when she heard […]
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A perfect gift
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom’s and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased […]
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